Greeting and saluations, my NXT faithful. I am the Lonestar and I had been on vacation for the past two weeks. William filled in very nicely while I was gone and I’d like to thank him for keeping my seat warm and eating all of my fun dip. Something came up at my real job yesterday, so this column is l-a-t-e late this week. But that’s okay, I’m sure there’s no one else who writes about NXT on the internet, especially not from a popular sports blog connected to a larger blog network visited by oodles of people.
Anyway, while I was gone Bo Dallas won the NXT title, a move I’m sure elicited groans from many viewers. It definitely elicited a groan from me. But my hatred for Bo almost makes me feel bad about the situation. It’s guys and gals like me, people tired of Dallas’s antiquated, boring, white meat baby-face character, that got vocal enough to convince the decision-makers to subtly turn him heel by making him an annoyingly goodie-goodie. So we kind of brought this on ourselves. If we had just stayed quiet and ignored Bo….the WWE probably would have kept pushing the dude anyway.
After a recap of how Dallas won the title, NXT opened with Adrian Neville taking on Bray Wyatt, until the Family interfered and caused a DQ. Never content to not beat up a smaller person, they wailed on Neville until Corey Graves and Kassius Ohno came out to even the odds. The good guys removed the bad guys and Dusty Rhodes came out to Teddy Long the main event. After that Sami Zayn beat Angelo Dawkins. Summer Rae defeated Sasha Banks in another match in the NXT diva’s title tournament. Xavier Woods talked to us backstage, announcing his return to NXT, in which he defeated Jake Carter. Renee spoke with Sami Zayn, who challenged Antonio Cesaro to a rubber match. D and D and Sylvester Lefort, the French Lick Connection, (Noone living outside a very small section of Indiana or major Larry Bird fans will get that joke) complained in the vicinity of Dusty Rhodes and he gave them a #1 contenders match for the tag titles because Dusty Rhodes is a cool guy.
In a moment that I would have skipped if I wasn’t reviewing this show, Bo Dallas sent the NXT universe a message via his camera (or maybe even his phone? Are smart-phone cameras that good now?) apologizing for not being able to be in the arena tonight. In the main event of the evening, the Wyatt Family beat the trio of Graves, Ohno and Neville.
Got all that? Let’s snark about it.
If you asked me what I thought of the in-ring wrestling tonight, and I guess you kind of are with the structure of this column, I’d say it was perfectly alright. Every match was fine. There were no glaring screw-ups or bad matches or anything like that. At the same time nothing really stood out as “must see WWE”. There were no “Cesaro/Zayns” or “Ohno/Regals” or anything like that, just perfectly digestible matches we won’t remember a month from now. The six-man tag in the main event had the potential to be pretty sweet but never really hit that higher gear. Or maybe I was just tired and got a little sleepy when the bad guys were working on Ohno, who knows?
Hey you guys, I finally figured out Xavier Woods’s character:
It’s the 90s. That’s basically it. Xavier Woods is at this point an excuse to generate as many 90s references as possible. Power Rangers? Check. Ninja Turtles? Check his entrance and check. 90s dance music? Totally check. Boy Meets World? Brad Maddox brought it up, so check.
You might be asking yourself how this translates to wrestling a professional wrestling match in a logical and engaging way. I would argue it doesn’t. Armbar.
Sami Zayn vs Antonio Cesaro:
YES! YES! YES! THEY’RE DOING IT!
Sylvester Lefort, actual French man:
I’d like to point out that Sylvester Lefort is actually French. As in, born in France, lived in France, worked in France, actual French man. So yes, that accent is coming out of someone who does actually know how French people sound while speaking English. Me thinks someone asked him to embellish things.
Oh god, why is Bo Dallas screaming?:
Seriously, why is he yelling at me through his crappy handheld camera? Why is he singing terribly? Here are some incredible petty observations I had during the course of Bo’s terrible, terrible segment.
1. Bo’s mouth looks like it would enable him to swallow a baby deer whole.
2. Bo Dallas with his hair back kind of looks like my girlfriend’s brother, the one that lives in rural Missouri and fixes cars shirtless while watching his 18 month old.
3. If a Genie could grant me three wishes I’d use one to permanently keep Bo’s voice to a certain volume. I’d use the second wish to make him forget how to inject his name into larger words, and the third on a cookie dough mountain. I like cookie dough.
4. Is it still a big deal to go to Disneyworld when you live a short drive away from it?
5. Send the Wyatt Family to the magic kingdom, we’ll see how long that stays healthy.
If you hadn’t figured it out yet, tonight’s show was an alright episode waiting for a better one to show up and relieve it of its duties. If you like Summer Rae or Sami Zayn I’d check out their stuff but overall nothing too exciting to see here.