Hello you Princes of the Maine, you Kings of New England, you Sultans of Swat, and welcome to the Smacking Of Smackdown. We have a lot to go over today, but first I want to take a moment to apologize for my absence last week. Sometimes life, am I right? Anyway, please leave comments/Facebook like/tweet the hell out of this blog. It’s important because this blog runs on your support alone, and since I don’t get paid for this bullshit I need some reason to keep doing it.
Anyway, it’s time to smack it like a joke that’s gone on way too long, and you guys don’t even read these intros anyway so what’s the f**king point.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t recap things (because seriously, who reads recaps? You skim the recap until you get the results and the insight, go ahead and admit it, everyone does it) instead I actually review the show. Also I think star rankings are stupid, so instead of getting into pointless arguments over what the difference between 2 and 1/3 stars is, I just lump things into two columns; things I like, (Smacked Up) and things I don’t (Smacked Down). And yes, in case you’re wondering, I’m terrible with naming things. Anyway, for the uninitiated, I like to put the results at the beginning, that way you won’t get all confused about the time line later when things are all out of order.
MIZ TV with Miz, Kane, Daniel Bryan, Big Show, Dolph Ziggler & Booker T
Randy Orton defeated The Miz
Backstage segment with Sheamus & Teddy Long
Team Rhodes Scholars defeated Tyson Kidd & Justin Gabriel
Backstage segment with Booker T, Eve & Teddy Long
Antonio Cesaro defeated Ted DiBiase
Heath Slater defeated Brodus Clay
Layla defeated Natalya
Sheamus defeated Wade Barrett
Got it? Okay, first the stuff that makes me consider looking for a less destructive hobby for my brain’s sake, like typing gasoline by taste or huffing glue.
Why Are You Interviewing People During A Wrestling Match
While Miz and Orton wasn’t a classic or anything, it was a solid back and forth that had some cool chain spots that kept me interested, something that isn’t always the easiest thing to do. But, because Orton isn’t feuding with Miz and doing run-ins are extremely played at the moment, WWE had to get creative in their attempts to move the Del Rio/Orton feud forward, and reintroduced the skybox taunt, something I’ve always been a fan of. It’s a cool way to get into an opponent’s head without being too much of a dick about it. It’s braggadocios without having to say something stupid like “Yes I’m up here because I’m rich and therefor can splurge on my own skybox” instead of buying a ring-side seat like other Superstars do, despite the fact that those are pretty goddamn pricey themselves. The skybox itself isn’t the problem.
The problem is sending Matt Striker up there to ask Del Rio questions during the match he’s there to watch, and cutting away from the wrestling that is happening right there. It took me right out of the match both literally and mentally, and I stopped giving it my full attention until I heard “RKO”. Even if they had done a picture-in-picture thing it wouldn’t have been so bad, but they just did an over the shoulder shot to show Orton and Miz in awkward embrace as they wait for the ref to get the signal to tell them they can stop doing headlocks while Del Rio is talking on camera. I’m not against this in theory, just don’t be so goddamn obvious about the fact that what you’re doing is staged you f**king idiots. And when push comes to shove, I would rather watch people wrestle than watch them talk about wrestling.
The Great White Doesn’t Understand Black People
I’m sure I wasn’t meant to take it like this, but watching a guy who proudly calls himself “The Great White” struggle to understand the complex intricacies of fist bumping a black man was the one of the most unintentionally hilarious thing I’ve ever seen. The only thing that would have made it better is if Sheamus looked at the fist, taken it as a threat, and then punched the glasses off of Teddy’s face. Also what would have made it better is less racism.
Is It Groundhog Day?
Since there are like 4 Divas in the WWE that actually wrestle, it didn’t take much for Layla to get back into contendership for the Divas title. I don’t know how many times Layla has actually wrestled with Natalya, but it felt like it was for the millionth time. Isn’t Sara Del Ray working for WWE right now? What the hell?
Anyway, Eve is wrapped up in a lot of interconnecting storylines at the moment, and while I can at least pretend to care about this one because it actually involves wrestling, I’m going to take a pass on the rest of the stuff. So when Kaitlyn shows up at Hell in a Cell and starts attacking Eve for setting up the assault on Kaitlyn’s knee, I’m going to pretend it had nothing to do with Teddy Long stealing Eve’s iPad and instead just assume Kaitlyn stopped being a moron and realized that untrustworthy girl is untrustworthy.
Which leads us to the next segment…
Okay, I’m Done
I’m done with this. Please don’t argue with me, because you won’t be successful.
I’ve learned that I have certain powers. Sometimes when I intentionally write that I’m done with something and will no longer acknowledge it, it goes away forever. It’s worked on trolls, it worked with Tyler Reks, and now I’m hoping it will work with this waste of time. So feel free to discuss it in the comment section, but from this point on I’m not going to bother bitching about this nonsense anymore.
Your move, universe.
The Miz Is An Internet Wrestling Fan
I’ve loved the Miz for a long time, but never more so than during this week’s edition of MIZ TV. Regardless of how much he might dispute the fact, Miz (or whoever writes Miz’s dialogue) clearly reads the Internet and has lifted some of his talking points straight from either a message board or TJR itself. In a 15 minute period Miz covered the following topics:
1) Separate entrances for Kane and Daniel Bryan devalues their claim as a legit tag team.
2) Saying that as insane as it sounds, Kane is (seemingly) the most sensible person in most situations.
3) Booker T’s devolution into Teddy Long territory by automatically (and correctly) assuming he was going to make a main-event tag team match involving everyone in the ring.
I love it when wrestlers suddenly become hyper aware of the ridiculous world that they are involved in. Miz was acting like he was mentally linked with every jaded fan watching in the audience. Did Kofi Kingston’s kick give Miz telepathic abilities? It was fantastic, especially when he flat out called Booker T on his stupid plan, and then Booker corrected him by doing exactly what Miz was saying he would do but with the addition of Randy Orton, which is the most Teddy Long thing to do ever. It’s like the GM role is the Ice King’s crown, and pretty soon Booker T is going to start going bald and jiving when there isn’t any music playing.
Team Hell No Still Has Plenty Of Gas In The Tank
I thought that at this point I would be tired of the adventures of Daniel Bryan and Kane, but I find myself still looking forward to seeing them scream “I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS” at each other every freaking episode. They’re staying power is amazing, and it has turned MIZ TV into a completely enjoy segment. Which is amazing, because every single MIZ TV up to this point has been a bucket of shit. Daniel Bryan wasn’t f**king around, Kane was on, Miz has never made more sense in his goddamn life. It was a lot of fun to watch.
I think the reason for their ability to keep their act from getting stale is there willingness to let their characters evolve naturally. Bryan and Kane clearly have issues, but they’ve built a rapport similar to troops trapped in the trenches together. They might not get along, but when a big fat grenade threatens his partner, Kane will put himself between the partner he hates and the threat. That’s progress, and it shows a bit of unity that they needed to explain why the hell they’re still bothering with each other. They’re great, and if it weren’t for another duo, they might be my favorite act in WWE.
Speaking of which…
Team Rhodes Scholars Are The Best Tag Team In WWE
I know I’m pretty biased when it comes to this because of my unconditional love for both Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow, but it’s true. Kane and Daniel Bryan are fantastic and have gotten a lot of mileage out of their act, but Miz was right when he said they aren’t a real tag team. They don’t enter together, they don’t have any real synchronization aside from accidental, and they completely ignored the way more appropriate “Dragon Fire” team name and let the fans call them “Team Stupid Obvious” or whatever. Rhodes and Sandow on the other hand come out together to Cody’s awesome “Smoke and Mirrors” v. 3 remix, plan their move set effectively to complement each other, and have named themselves instead of relying on Twitter to do it for them. They’re actually taking initiative and trying to make themselves viable threats to the titles, whereas Kane and Daniel kind of fell into it.
If you need any more proof just look at the go-home sequence in this match, when super-underrated Tyson Kidd had Sandow on the ropes Damien tagged in Cody and then let Tyson position him for a sharpshooter so that Cody could Disaster Kick his teeth in. It was sacrifice for the greater good, and it looked slick as hell. I don’t know about you guys, but this November I’m ignoring both party candidates and writing in Rhodes/Sandow. Only decision I’ll be struggling with that day is which one of those two I’ll pick to be President.
Okay, This Was A Pretty Great Impromptu Tag Team Match
As easy as it is to make fun of Booker T for basically turning into Teddy Long with braids, I’m not stubborn enough to deny that I was excited at the prospect of Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler and two thousand and f**king twelve Big Show, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite reasons to watch wrestling these days, and boy did they deliver. As much crap as the Internet gives big men for being “boring in the ring” (which is close-minded and dumb) both Big Show and Kane are impeccable tag team specialists when they’re teamed with smaller guys that can do a lot of the cooler spots. After Daniel Bryan or Ziggler did their thing, it was a nice contrast to see a bigger dude come in and throw bombs on their smaller opponents. It was a great balance of great tag team wrestling and story progression, and it was a ton of fun to watch.
Also, unless Team Rhodes Scholars attack on Team Hell No was just a way to throw the betting curve a bit for the tournament finals, I’m willing to bet my perfect bracket is in the bag.
JBL On Commentary
Special props to JBL for the following dialogue:
(Big Show applies a claw to Daniel Bryan’s torso)
Josh Matthews: What is that?
JBL: That is… a claw.
I love JBL on commentary, because the heel announcer is a lost art that he has a great grasp on and can be a jerk without burying the talent, but he needs to turn off his laptop. It was like he needed to wait for the Wikipedia article on wrestling submission moves applied with five fingers to open before he could get out the word “claw”. Any dork who’s seen Liar Liar could tell you that was the claw. And if that wasn’t enough he then proceeded to give us a complete rundown of the history of the claw, a list of everyone that has used it, and some fan fiction where the claw was slang for some kink in a Kirk/Spock sex scene.
He’s still better than King, though.
Antonio Cesaro’s America
I have a confession to make; I am an easily pleased wrestling fan. And one of the easiest ways to please me is to give a non-American wrestler a belt with red white and blue vomited all over it and tell him to go out and make fun of the country he’s now representing. It was really cool to see Cesaro run down the home of Memphis’ legendary landmark, but I think going forward I’d like to see him pick on lesser known features. Like verbally bashing New York’s 5Pointz or tearing into the Korean Friendship Bell in LA. I know that’s kind of impractical, but I’ll be honest; I’m really just hoping that one day he’ll shows up in Pittsburgh and says the Primanti Bros. sandwich is f**king garbage.
I’ve already mentioned this, but I’m aware that me literally dubbing the trio of Heath Slater, Drew McIntyre, and Jinder Mahal “Three Man Band” several weeks ago was neither unique nor original. I’m sure everyone that saw them debut their new stable immediately said to themselves “Three Man Band.” Bragging about being the first person to write down the most obvious name for their stable is both stupid and delusional. However, my acknowledgement of self-parody wasn’t enough to stop a bunch of fun-haters from taking the time to tell me I both suck and am a dick for claiming ownership over their new group name. It’s amazing how quick people are to try and take the wind out of your sails when you’re just trying to find some joy in this stupid life I’ve chosen, but whatever, f**k them, I’m going to enjoy it anyway.
The fact is that when Heath Slater said the words “Three Man Band” on Raw dozens upon dozens of people messaged me on Facebook and Twitter to let me know those words were spoken on national television. Which means that some people actually thought of me when a professional wrestler on television spoke. No matter what way you look at it, that’s pretty damn cool.
Lumberjack matches are both one of the easiest thing for wrestling fans to get excited about and one of the easiest to predict. Here are the things that you can guarantee will happen in a Lumberjack Match:
- There will be a brawl.
- That’s it.
Lumberjack matches always devolve into utter nonsense, which is 100% the appeal of them. As good as Sheamus vs Wade Barrett has been these past two weeks, I was just sitting and waiting the whole time for some shenanigans to occur and just send everything into a chaotic mess (which did happen with a nice Nexus nod when Heath Slater pulled Wade Barrett to safety (you’re still either Nexus or against us (no, I’m not going to mention the Corre))). This match did succeed in the reestablishing Wade Barrett as a person of real interest, instead of just being the Grim Reaper of jobbers with time to kill, and it fed into the Big Show/Sheamus main story and the Dolph Ziggler MITB side quest Sheamus seems to be stuck on. It’s like Sheamus is in Skyrim, and he keeps going on Dark Brotherhood missions instead of finishing the main quest by killing Alduin. Or something. I don’t really remember what we were talking about.
Big Show Is A Boss
The best part of the main event though was watching Big Show just hang out with his hood up, and completely ignoring the anarchy ensuing all around him. Instead, he was totally focused on Sheamus, giving zero f**ks about the tag champions coming out to wreck up their challengers or the 3MB taking turns throwing haymakers at Brodus Clay. He was patient, he was focused, and when he drilled Dolph for attempting to cash in his briefcase he was ferocious. Big Show is the most interesting character on WWE television, and I still can’t believe I typed that sentence. This is the best timeline.
Anyway, what did you think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? What costume are you wearing for Halloween? Are you going as a bumble bee? I bet you’re going as a bumble bee. Let us know in the comments. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks, and I’ll see you cats next week (probably).
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