Happy 4th Of July (or 3rd of July, if you’re reading this in a time loop), and welcome to the Smacking Of Smackdown. It’s America’s birthday and we have a lot to go over, but first we need to go over the rules of this blog:
The first rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: Leave comments at the bottom of the page. Also click the Facebook and Twitter share buttons. This blog runs on your support alone, so stop being embarrassed that you like wrestling and tell everyone you know to read this report. That way they can all come to grips with the fact that they love wrestling too, and the world will be a less angry and divided place.
The second rule of Smacking Of Smackdown: Make sure all of your valuable items are strapped down and secured, because your world is about to get ROCKED.
It’s time to smack it like you’d smack the smugness off a child king’s shit weasel face (f**k off, Joffery. I can’t wait to watch you die).
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t recap things, I actually review them. What I do is generally put the events of the show in two columns; Smacked Down or Smacked Up. It makes it easier for me to lump everything I like and/or hate together, but it makes it crazy frustrating for readers that didn’t watch the show or can only think in a linear sense. So, for the benefit of consistency, here are the show results in the order they occurred. That way you know what went on before things get all wonky:
Great American Bash segment
Alberto Del Rio in-ring segment
The Great Khali & Layla defeated Antonio Cesaro & Aksana
Cody Rhodes defeated Christian
Another Great American Bash segment
Dolph Ziggler defeated Alex Riley
Michael Cole & AJ in-ring interview
Santino Marella, Sgt Slaughter, & Hacksaw Jim Duggan defeated Drew McIntyre, Hunico, & Camacho
Ryback defeated Curt Hawkins
Great American Bash Battle Royal
Got it? Good. Now for the things I hated. And be warned: I hated a lot of things.
Teddy Long Is Back, And Now Everything Is Horrible
I think it says a lot that ever since Teddy Long has been released of his house Negro duties my enjoyment of WWE programming has gone down the toilet. The opening segment where women were walking around backstage in bathing suites and a dwarf was peeing in a kiddy pool while being required to wear arm floaties and Kane sets grills on fire with his Drew Barrymore powers encompasses the entirety of what Teddy Long brings to the table. He’s a campy dork with a peanut head and a lame sense of what “fun” is, and we’d be better off with a push broom as the GM than this jiving turd.
Either that or I’m just a huge racist. I HAVE BLACK FRIENDS!
We Are Officially In A Video Game
I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that when I saw Alberto Del Rio smash Sheamus’ ginger head in with the hood of his car it seemed very WWE ‘12 backstage brawl-ish. You know when you’re in the parking lot and having a brawl and you throw your opponent into a car and all you can do is either A) Throw them onto the hood B) Bang their head onto the hood C) Smash their head into the glass? It felt a lot like that. If WWE is trying to make their programming line-up more with their video games they should make their Superstars run up the ladders and then jump off without hitting anyone or doing any damage to anything around them. Also, the fans should hand them crutches for swinging.
In any case the next time Sheamus does a run-in, he should probably have a couple of finisher’s saved.
Mixed Tag Matches Are The Pits
Ignoring the fact that the whole reason this match existed was because Teddy Long had some sour grapes to squish, this was barely a match. Mixed tag matches in WWE are pretty easy to book: two Superstars do the majority of the work, two Divas who can barely wrestle cat fight for a bit, throw in a weak Lou Thez and a feel good Diva pin-fall and you’ve got it down. They’re stupid, but at least they’re quick and usually painless.
But this wasn’t painless, because one of the two guys booked to do the majority of the heavy lifting was the Great Khali, who can barely f**k move at this point. The guy did a clothesline and it almost knocked him off his big goofy feet. They might as well have just thrown Hornswoggle in their on Tyson Kidd's shoulders. In fact, it would have probably been better.
Money In The Bank Contract = WrestleMania Sign
I understand that by putting the MITB contract above the ring for qualifying matches is a way of showing that these matches matter and they give the Superstars involved something to point at, (because pointing is an emotion, I guess) but we already have that with the WrestleMania sign that shows up every Royal Rumble. We get that it’s important, we don’t need to be reminded every three seconds that THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT.
If they’re going to continue with the POINT AT IT theme I think someone should do their best to devalue it, and every once in a while have Johnny Curtis point at an NXT sign or something.
They “Carrie”-d Liz Lemon!
This bothered me more than it probably should have, and I get that Eve has been kind of a bitch lately, but the fact that a woman was accidentally drenched in punch to the point where it made her cry and the only reaction anyone had was “HAHAHA CRY BITCH YOUR TEARS GIVE US POWER AND MAKE US LAUGH MORE” left a bad taste in my mouth. This is supposed to be a room full of “heroes” minus Damien Sandow and not a single one of them said “Wow, that wasn’t cool, I hope she’s okay” because apparently not a single one of them is a decent human being.
You should be ashamed of yourself, Derrick Bateman.
No One Believes In You, Alex Riley
I’m all for Dolph Ziggler being in the MITB match. Hell, if it weren’t for Cody Rhodes involvement, I’d be 100% pulling for him instead of just looking at a Ziggler victory as a good consolation prize. But, whereas Cody seemed to have earned his spot by wrestling Christian, the Intercontinental Champion, I felt like Dolph was basically being handed his spot. He wrestled a guy whose greatest claim to fame is being the silhouette model for when a mystery opponent/partner is announced. Show of hands: who among you thought Alex Riley had a chance here?
*Looks around the room*
That’s what I thought.
You Really Know How To Talk To Women, Cole
I know I’m going to get a lot of heat for this, but I did not enjoy this segment one iota. Partially because I didn’t think it should exist to begin with. AJ shouldn’t try to explain her actions, because all it will accomplish will be either her sounding rational and ruining her “crazy” image, or she’ll say something so overly nuts like “I made a doll out of Daniel’s beard hair and I make it ass f**k CM Punk’s action figure” and we’ll stop thinking she’s cute. AJ doesn’t need an interview to explain her actions. She’s already hitting it out of the park, no exposition is really necessary.
But, if you’re going to spend an entire hour building it up, at least give her a chance to talk. This segment went on for like 10 minutes and the person that was being interviewed said exactly negative three words. We already know Bryan wants to get on her good side so he can win the WWE title. We know Punk is confused and concerned because he’s a good guy that’s really just an asshole who gets cheers so has to feign the simple things like hoping pretty girls don’t cut themselves. We don’t need any of this. Adding kisses to the whole thing didn’t make it more interesting; it just made me want to shower.
Also, I never want to watch Michael Cole hit on anyone ever again. You’re like twice her age, Cole. Watching him open his jacket and wiggle his dick at AJ was uncomfortable. It was like watching what I assume was a Jerry Sandusky pick-up line.
Thanks A Lot, Teddy
This match could have also been titled “Three foreigner’s team up against a reformed terrorist, a Canadian Italian Latka Gravas, and a mentally handicapped senior citizen carrying a piece of wood.”
Teddy Long is given two shows this week to prove to the board of directors that he’s the guy to take over as GM of both Raw and Smackdown, and he gives us this. I’d say good luck, but I want you to fail. So bad luck, I guess. Or good luck ~ironically~.
Ryback Has A Twitter Account
He does, and at the time of this writing he has made exactly zero tweets. I’ll go ahead and write a few for Ryback to cut and paste, if he’s feeling especially lazy.
FEED ME MORE
RYBACK RYBACK RYBACK
FEED ME SMORE
SHARK SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS
STOP CALLING ME GOLDBERG
I assume he’d type in all caps, because of course he’d type in all caps.
Well, Next Week Should Be Promising
If Ryder were a smart man he would book himself into a 12 on 1 handicap match with CM Punk and regardless of who pins the champion Zack Ryder wins the title.
Alternate idea: just put himself in the MITB ladder match, because I assume that’s as creative as Zack Ryder can get.
What we’ll probably get: two hours of fist pumps and the whole show will be taped on a handheld camera and streamed on YouTube.
SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS
I don’t think people realize that Alberto Del Rio is probably the closest we’ll ever get to ever having another Eddie Guerrero. Don’t get me wrong, Eddie could never be replaced. Alberto is a great wrestler, but he’s no Eddie. What he is though, is charming. Eddie had a way of being a complete dick-bag but still could charm the pants off you. It was part of his appeal. Alberto has that same charm, and it shows when he gives that little smirk when he talks, or shouts at an audience plant to show him his green card. He’s fun to watch, and he makes me feel like whatever he’s doing is important. I bet Chavo wishes he were as good at being a Guerrero as Alberto. Hell, Ricardo is a better Chavo than Chavo. I bet he’d work wonders with a wooden horse prop.
I Can’t Believe I’m Saying This, But Thank God For Heath Slater
I’m a one man BAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAND!
These Guys Should Have Qualifying Matches Every Week
I don’t know if there are going to be any more contestants for the World Heavyweight MITB contract, but they should just have Christian and Cody wrestle in their stead. Cody could represent Otunga, and Christian could represent Yoshi Tatsu or whatever, and they could go 10 minutes while Otunga talks to Yoshi about the law, because that’s what every lawyer does in his free time.
Making me happy while watching wrestling is pretty simple; take two wrestlers I like, put them together, give them some time, rinse, repeat. I’m not that hard to please.
Damien Sandow Channels Sam The Eagle
If Damien Sandow keeps coming out and literally speaking the words I’m thinking (only a lot more pretentious and douchey) he’s going to become my new favorite wrestler. It also doesn’t hurt that his rant about our founding fathers gave me “Muppet Show” flashbacks. Maybe next week he can have a sit-down interview with Spike Milligan where Damien accuses him of not speaking the Queen’s English and debate about where tea comes from.
So what did you think about Smackdown? What did you think of this review? How many hotdogs can you eat in one sitting? Let us know in the comment section. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks for reading, and Happy 4th of July to you all.
A-MER-I-CA! A-MER-I-CA! A-MER-I-CA! A-MER-I-CA! A-MER-I-CA!