Hello lasses and lads, and welcome to the Smacking Of Smackdown. We have a lot to go over today, but before we get started I just have one request; leave comments at the bottom of the page. Also click the Facebook and Twitter share buttons (okay, I guess that’s two requests). This blog runs on your support alone, so stop being embarrassed that you like wrestling and tell everyone you know to read this report.
It’s time to smack it like it hung up its clothes on wire hangers (NO WIRE HANGERS). What? No one remembers Mommy Dearest? Well, f**k me.
In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t recap things, I actually review them. I also have a hatred for all things with star rankings, so we’re just going to avoid those at all costs. I don’t grade things, because what I might call a C you might call a B+ or a 6/10 or whatever and I’d rather avoid all the unnecessary arguing. So what I do instead is I put the events of the show in two columns; Smacked Down or Smacked Up. It makes it easier for me to lump everything I like and/or hate together, but it makes it crazy frustrating for readers that didn’t watch the show or can only think in a linear sense. So, for the benefit of consistency, here are the show results in the order they occurred. That way you know what went on before things get all wonky:
The Miz defeated Christian
Ryback defeated Jinder Mahal
Sheamus defeated Cody Rhodes
Antonio Cesaro defeated Santino Marella
Damien Sandow defeated Yoshi Tatsu
Alberto Del Rio defeated Kane, Rey Mysterio, & Daniel Bryan
Got it? Good. Now for the things I hated, because it’s better to try and end these things on a high note. Also keep in mind; I’m not going to review Raw Recaps. Which sucks because this show is like 80% Raw clips.
Miz vs. Christian On The Mic
It really pains me to write this, because Christian and The Miz are two of my favorite guys currently employed by the monster that is WWE, and one of the big reasons for that is because they are two of the best talkers the company has. Miz and Christian theoretically should be able to throw down on the microphone and have a competitive argument without ever throwing a fist. Miz is great when he’s not ripping off SNL bits or picking up the scraps that Chris Jericho left on the table, because a lot of his arguments usually make sense. When he started his ascension in the before time, in the long long ago, he vowed that he wasn’t going to be the Marty Jannetty to John Morrison’s Shawn Michaels, and boy howdy did he deliver on that promise. He’s a former WWE Champion and about to be in a movie, while John Morrison is slumming it in Mexico with that girl Batista banged.
Christian, on the other hand, is a guy that hasn’t been able to escape from the role of “2nd best”. Despite the fact that he’s legitimately better than Edge in every way that matters (mic skills, wrestling ability, charisma, whereas he falls to Edge in height, politicking, and rock star hair) he’s never been able to be anything more than the Skeets to Edge’s Booster Gold. And despite the fact that I’ve never really understood his appeal, Edge has left his mark on this business and along with it a huge shadow for Christian to get lost behind. You’d think with an opportunity to share the stage with each other that at least a couple of these talking points would come up.
But no, what could have been a really fun and interesting segment turned into a generic “I’m using my re-match clause” proceeded by Miz’s “I’m awesome” shtick, and it was f**king garbage. I probably wouldn’t be so hard on it if I didn’t expect so much, but at the same time I wouldn’t expect so much if I didn’t think they were both capable of better.
I dunno, I just think even Marty Jannetty would have at least said something that mattered, and he’s goddamn terrible.
I Don’t Get This Ryback Thing
I’ll be honest; the appeal of Ryback is completely lost on me.
Don’t get me wrong. I get why a dude wrecking shop on a couple of scrubs by doing video game combo moves with their lifeless corpses could be entertaining, but now that he’s going one on one with genuine WWE Superstars --- no matter how loosely that word is used --- like Jinder Mahal (see?) the whole reason I found him entertaining is gone. He can’t really throw the other contracted Superstars around like he did the nameless mannequins he murdered. He needs to do something to protect them, so the stuff he’s doing isn’t going to be as impressive as when he threw one jobber into the other like he were a lawn dart.
Still, I guess something could be said for the fact that they’re actually doing something with him now. One of my biggest criticisms about the Funkasaurus is that he’s been beating the crap out of people without direction for the better part of the year. Ryback seems to be moving forward a tad, even if it’s in the slowest lane imaginable. It doesn’t really stand up logically. The guy has been undefeated and destroying chumps for months, and yet he still needs to cut his teeth on Jinder Mahal? I can’t believe I’m saying this, but why isn’t he getting title shots?
Whatever, wrestling is fake and I’ll just take my logic and go f**k myself.
Cody Rhodes Is Walking In Circles
On the other end of the spectrum we have a guy who really is a great wrestler and a great entertainer, but he’s losing all the time. He’s the anti-Ryback. Not to the point that Jack Swagger is, but still. Cody Rhodes shouldn’t be jobbing to anyone right now, and despite how good his match with Sheamus was, Cody was even the second most important person in this match. Hell, if you count Vickie he wasn’t even the third. I get that there are only so many spots to be filled on the roster and right now it’s Ziggler’s time to shine, but Cody Rhodes is better than jobber to the goddamn stars.
Ugh, I dunno. At this point I’m starting to think this episode of Smackdown should have just been subtitled “F**k Andrew Johnson and All of His Favorites”, because it’s really starting to feel like it.
Miz vs. Christian In-Action
Despite what I said about their pre-match verbal constipation, this match was really good. Christian is always fantastic when he’s given time to tell a story, and Miz has really improved since he let his hair grow out. It’s like he’s Samson. If he’s not careful Regina Spektor is going to write a song about how much he likes eating Wonder Bread in bed.
Here’s the thing, if these two could get their shit together and actually have a promo that doesn’t make me scream at my television in disappointment then I would be excited for a feud between them. Their match had a lot of the ingredients for a fun back and forth, and since I’ve been avoiding spoilers like I avoid the Olympics I really didn’t know how it was going to end. There were a few moments where I thought Christian was going to get the belt back, and that’s freaking great. It makes for exciting television, and if they can match the mic work with what’s going on in the ring, then they could be onto something really special.
My only criticism of the match itself is this: Christian injured his knee on Monday, yet he’s totally fine and ready to go again the next day? How is that possible? I thought that magic knee brace Bruce Wayne used was bullshit, but I guess it only exists in movies and pro-wrestling.
Dolph Ziggler Is Doing This Right
I hate hate hate hated that he came down to the ring to take away any attention that Cody Rhodes could have obtained during this match (Sheamus might as well have been wrestling a sack of potatoes, because it would have accomplished the same thing) but at the same time, I’m loving what Dolph Ziggler is doing with his briefcase. The majority of former MITB winners have used their contracts at opportune times, and often ran out and attempted to cash them in. This is the first time that I can remember where someone was using it as a taunt, or as a prop in a head game. Ziggler had no intention of cashing in that contract when he came out; he just wanted Sheamus to know that he could. It’s wonderful because there are a lot of places they can take this that don’t end in the typical run out and pin him while he’s down move (which is exciting, but played).
I think my ideal cash in moment would be Ziggler just paying every heel in the locker room 20 bucks to come out and give Sheamus their finishers in rapid succession while he ate popcorn and waited until Sheamus was dead to pin him.
I Like Where This Is Going
Say what you will about Jericho’s latest run, but how could you not love the fact that he came down to punk out Ziggler while wearing the man’s t-shirt? That would be like Michael Turner rushing 300 yards in San Francisco while wearing a Frank Gore jersey.
I don’t know what WWE’s plans are for SummerSlam, but I really hope Jericho/Ziggler makes the cut. Even at 40 something Jericho is still buck nasty in the ring, and Ziggler sells like he’s made out of rubber bands. This feud has tons of potential, and it makes me really excited to think that we’re going to get to see it. I like that if WWE is going to shit on my Cody Rhodes dreams, they’ll at least give me a bones Ziggler/Jericho feud as a consolation prize.
Holy Crap, We Might Have A U.S. Title Feud Brewing
First off, despite how awesome Handsome McRugby is, his music is terrible. I think the reason he came out first during the commercial break is because he was too embarrassed to let the television audience to hear his terrible entrance song. Maybe if he beats Santino for the U.S. title he gets to take his music as well as his pride.
Seriously though, this needs to happen. Santino has had the U.S. title for what seems like an eternity and he’s done nothing with it except use it to whip Jack Swagger’s career all over his asshole. It’s time to give it to someone that could A) Use it and B) Not be Santino.
I really can’t emphasize the importance of the second one.
Damien Sandow Really Is A Martyr
Last Monday I was watching Raw 1000 with some friends, and I remember being the only one in the room that couldn’t have given less of a shit about DX making their return. In fact, I vocalized that the only good this could bring about is a potential Damien Sandow moment, and sure enough he came down and said everything I would love to say to DX, only with less rambling and zero middle fingers in Triple H’s face.
I don’t mind Sandow coming down to decimate what’s left of Yoshi Tatsu, because that really wasn’t important at all. What was important is that he’s playing up the martyr gimmick, and if that means his flogging from DX has a real character developing moment he can build off of then I guess it wasn’t all that bad.
BTW, how creepy did X-Pac look on Monday when he was hitting on Trish? I like to think the conversation went on a few seconds after the cameras stopped, and it ended after X-Pac said “I was in a porno you know” and Trish blew her rape whistle.
The Fatal Four Way Was Bonkers
Before I get into this, can someone explain to me why a guy who lost to the champion a few weeks ago, another guy who lost to the WWE champion a few weeks ago, a guy who just returned, and Kane get a chance to be the #1 contender? Because if this were a real sport the real fatal four way would include Ryback, Brodus Clay, John Cena, and… I dunno, Kane I guess.
Huh. I just answered my own question.
Anyway, I really liked the fatal four way match, and it was because while they did do the splinter off into twos to battle for a while, there were a lot of chain moments that were really cool to watch. My personal favorite was watching Kane stop a tap out by grabbing Del Rio’s arm before he could submit to the Yes! Lock. It was a fun match that had a cool screwjob ending that could validate a multi-man match at SummerSlam, and if that’s where this is headed I’m all for it. Or, at the very least, let’s get that whole Death Of Sheamus storyline going where Kane, D-Bry, and Alberto can Doomsday Sheamus and Ziggler can pin him and take his belt away. We can even send down Kaitlyn to cradle Sheamus’ head in her lap while Derrick Bateman takes pictures for the Daily Planet.
So what did you guys think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? What did you think of The Dark Knight Rises? Be warned, there is only one correct answer to that question: “It was awesome.” I will also accept “F**king awesome.”
On a side note, I’ve decided to give Tumblr a whirl and started my own page. If you’d like to get to know me a little better without the hassle of actually talking to me, than that’s a good place to start.
If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks, and I’ll see you all next week.
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