Hello you Princes of Pain, you Kings of Destruction, and welcome to this week’s Smacking Of Smackdown. We have a lot to go over today, but first I want to thank Lonestar Obama for filling in last week. He did a fantastic jorb and I really appreciate you all not storming the castle to tear him down with degrading words. Also, as per usual, please leave comments/click like/tweet the hell out of this blog. It’s important because of reasons. Maybe one day I’ll tell you what those reasons are.

It’s time to smack it like it’s a dirty column. A dirty, dirty column.

In case this is your first time here, you should know that this isn’t like the traditional recap/review that you’ll see on this website. And by that I mean I don’t recap things, I actually review them. Also I think star rankings are stupid, so instead of getting into pointless arguments over what the difference between 2 and 1/3 stars is, I just lump things into two columns; things I like, (Smacked Up) and things I don’t (Smacked Down). And yes, in case you’re wondering, I’m terrible with naming things. Anyway, for the uninitiated, I like to put the results at the beginning, that way you won’t get all confused about the time line later when things are all out of order.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~RESULTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Edge, Kane, Daniel Bryan, & Damien Sandow in-ring segment

Damien Sandow defeated Kane

Layla defeated Natalya

Randy Orton & Sheamus defeated Alberto Del Rio & Dolph Ziggler

Cody Rhodes defeated Daniel Bryan

Brodus Clay defeated Heath Slater by DQ

Santino Marella defeated Antonio Cesaro

Kane & Daniel Bryan defeated Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Got it? Okay, first the bad stuff. It’s best to get this stuff out of the way early and end these columns on a high note. Well, as high a note as you can get on a column about fake fighting.  

All photos courtesy of WWE.com

 

 

 

I Have No Interest In Any Of This

I HATE being that guy on the Internet that takes the easy way out of Divas matches by calling them bathroom breaks or wastes of airspace, because A) I think that’s a pretty close-minded way of talking about two women who killing themselves to entertain me and B) It’s rude as hell. I’m not a person that enjoys being negative about things, but with that being said, Jesus Christ was this is snoozer. And I think it had less to do with the actual wrestling that was going on (because honestly, while they weren’t stealing the show or anything, you can tell Natalya and Layla were trying, and that in itself is enough to warrant some interest) and more to do with the story surrounding it.

I don’t dislike Eve. I don’t like here much either, but it’s not like I automatically start to hear white noise whenever she talks. But for some reason this whole Kaitlyn/Eve/Layla fiasco that’s been created because someone misread the battle royal elimination sheet has been stupid confusing, and is now being forced into a not very exciting story for television. I also don’t understand why WWE has to put the Divas title on one of the worst Divas in regards to actual wrestling ability on the roster (because she’s not as bad a character as others would lead you to believe) when they have several capable contenders right there (literally right there in the ring) that aren’t being utilized. It’s perplexing, and because I was spending the entire match trying to figure out the complexities surrounding this whole Eve possibly pulling a Tonya Harding that I forgot what was going on, and before I knew it Layla was on top of Natalya and the whole thing was over.

The only thing I dislike more than being the guy that calls Divas matches bathroom breaks is the guy that constantly says WWE isn’t using “the right Divas” as if that’s a real f**king thing we should be complaining about. I don’t want to ignore them, but they can’t really hold my attention either. I guess I’ll just play Minecraft or something and just be half present, that way I can check my guilt at the door when I write about this bullshit on the Internet.

I Don’t Know What This Accomplished

Here are a few issues I have with this match:

1)For a match featuring four top stars it was dull as hell, mostly due the fact that Randy Orton was wrestling like “going through the motions” Randy as opposed to a “guy that actually wrestles for a living” Randy. I don’t know how it’s possible to do a vertical drop kick that connects and still look lazy as hell doing it, but he’s perfected the art of looking good while not giving a shit. But to be fair it wasn’t just Orton; all of them with the exception of Ziggler were dogging it, and if it weren’t for the last minute of the match with Ziggler bouncing around like a pinball while trying to take down ol’ Lobster Head I might have fallen asleep, and the rest of this article would just be a drool stain on a keyboard.

2) It accomplished nothing. Wins and losses don’t matter in the WWE, but how you win, and how you lose does. If Ziggler and Del Rio would have won this match it would have opened the doors to a lot of potential stories. Ziggler could have gotten the pin, making him feel like he deserves a title shot instead of Del Rio, which could create some other match scenarios. They could have just changed dancing partners, putting Ziggler against Sheamus and Orton against Del Rio. Hell, they could have done one of the most obvious yet needed things ever and just have Orton RKO the f**k out of Sheamus and cost him the match (Orton has been stagnant for a while, and it has a lot to do with the fact that his character isn’t really suited for long-term babyface do-goodness. He’s at worst an unpredictable lunatic that goes to a place that hears voices in his head, and at best he’s a guy with Asperger’s syndrome that doesn’t understand why the audience cheers when he physically harms others. Neither of those personalities are very stable, and would be better suited for a guy that has no problem attacking another person to get what he wants). Something, ANYTHING other than what we ended up with; good guys win, bad guys lose, it’s a shameful thing, lobster head.

I dunno, I guess I’m just getting sick of expecting stories to transpire organically and match results to have consequences instead of just characters getting pushed together like two action figures being forced to kiss, which is exactly how I assume the writers pitch these stories to Vince.

Antonio Cesaro Does NOT Like Losing

I like Antonio Cesaro, and I like his gimmick of talking in 5 different languages enough that I think it can carry him long for as long as he needs to develop a real personality beyond “foreign guy”, but I’m not really sure ditching Aksana was the right call at this point, mostly because she wasn’t really a detriment. Sure she didn’t really do much, but she held the microphone for him while he did his 5 phrases, and she’s nice to look at so I didn’t really have a problem with her. I think if you’re going to bail on having a manager/valet there should be some justification beyond “she cost me a match that one time”.

Which leads me to my next point; Cesaro has beaten Santino how many times (I’m estimating at least a thousand (I might be overestimating))? Santino has beaten him this one time in a NON TITLE MATCH and instead of going “Oh well, shit, I guess I’ll get him next time” and heading to the back to wring the sweat out of his thigh socks, he pops a blood vessel, blames his girlfriend, and then drops her ass on television as she struggles to stand. I’d call that an overreaction, except I’m not really sure that word is strong enough.

I guess when the going gets tough blame a woman right? Haha… no but seriously, if you think that you’re a f**king idiot who deserves to die alone and I hate you. 

 

 

 

The Best 20 Minutes Of Smackdown

Full discretion for those of you who don’t read this column regularly; I am not an Edge fan. The most I’ve ever liked him was in 2001 when he was giving the audience 5 seconds to take his picture, and that was mostly because of the dude that wearing wrap-around douche glasses. I’ve never understood his appeal beyond that. The Rated R Superstar gimmick was too grimy for me to really find enjoyable, and for the most part when he was on the screen doing that little thrusting of his jaw and head wiggle thing he did when he was trying to be arrogant, I wanted him to go away. And not in the good “heels are supposed to make you hate them” way; I didn’t want to see him lose, I wanted to see him get grossly injured so I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. Which, admittedly, makes me feel like a real asshole after what happened to him last year. I’ve just accepted that we live in a world where Edge will forever be a hero to the WWE Universe despite spending the majority of his career being an “Ultimate Opportunist” asshole and barely making sense as a character for over a decade.

That being said Edge was more than acceptable here in his role of Daniel Bryan/Kane mediator/antagonizer. This is probably the most I’ve enjoyed Edge since he cashed in his MITB contract on John Cena and made News Years Revolution 2006 go from being a turd to f**king awesome in the span of like 6 seconds. He was a fine foil for Daniel Bryan because he could have played this whole thing off in the typical dickhead Edge sarcastic head wiggle way he usually does these things, but instead played it earnestly, wondering how the hell a guy like Daniel Bryan (who is small, vegan, and has a goat face and is therefore terrible in WWE language) can make it the way he has. Edge was bewildered, but was still kind of sincere, and he let Daniel just f**king kill it and stood back and let him go.

Likewise he was great with Kane, who has been the unofficial MVP (no not Montel) of the WWE since the Summer of AJ Lee, mainly because he’s playing up a side of Kane’s character that is very rarely highlighted; the fact that he’s absolutely ridiculous as a wrestling character. Kane has had more rises and descents than Benjamin Linus; he’s constantly dancing on the line of good versus evil to the point that now he’s basically just a self-parody. Edge bringing the history and admitting that their past feuds were insane and over-the-top to try and get Kane back over to the dark side was great, only because of how Kane reacted to it. Instead of punching Edge in his stupid wiggling jaw like he would have four months ago, he says “You’ve got anger problems dude, you should try these breathing exercises” and then f**king HUGS IT OUT. Edge kidnapped Kane’s father and stole his wife, and Kane is letting bygones be bygones because, and this is important, his therapy is working. It's character development and it's important because it shows that WWE is actually letting those dudes with creative writing degrees do their thing.

And if that wasn’t enough, just before this fantastic segment could wrap up with a 3 way hug off, the Hallelujah chorus hits and Damien Sandow comes out to make this thing SO MUCH BETTER. He more or less used big words to call Daniel Bryan and Kane hugging gay, and while I usually frown upon that kind of stuff, it worked because he’s Damien Sandow and he’s my intellectual superior and he’s here to save me. This whole segment was a win, and it didn’t stop there…

I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS

I don’t know If I was just still coming down from the excitement of the opening match, but Kane versus Sandow with Daniel Bryan ringside causing mischief was enjoyable as hell to watch. Sandow is one of those guys that is so crisp as a wrestler that he can pretty much go with anyone he’s across the ring with. It’s not always going to be classic, but he’s good enough that he can convincingly beat a guy like Kane and not look weird doing it. It wasn’t very long, but the point of the story wasn’t what was happening in the ring, but what was going on around it.

I don’t think it’s much to ask for the things that happen to these characters to have meaning. It’s kind of nuts to think that somewhere in the writers room there was a dry erase board with the words “Kane, Daniel Bryan, Anger Management, Charlie Sheen, stress balls” and they’ve been able to actually make something out of it. Bryan’s desire to f**k with Kane as much as possible is great, and it’s adding layers to their story. Bryan isn’t afraid of Kane like most people are, and when Kane gets mad and makes fire come out of ring posts it doesn’t freak Bryan out, it pisses him off. He’s literally half his size and yet he’s screaming in his face as if he were a much smaller man. It’s an interesting dynamic, and it’s only made better by Dr. Shelby who is constantly having to be the mediator in their childish arguing, or when Daniel hides in a crate and jumps out when someone calls him goat face like a deranged jack-in-the-box. 

It’s just good storytelling, and it’s something I can watch for the majority of Smackdown and not ever type the words “too many Daniel Bryan and Kane segments” with any seriousness. I just wish we could have bumped the Orton/Sheamus vs Ziggler/Del Rio match to Superstars or something so I could write another 2,000 words about them hugging and screaming at each other.

Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan, Of Course

I am never going to throw shade at a Cody Rhodes/Daniel Bryan professional wrestling match, ever. I don’t care if it goes 12 seconds and 9 of those were Cody and Daniel trying to see who can do the best air fellatio, that’s still 12 seconds of Cody Rhodes and Daniel Bryan in the same ring on my television screen. Call me biased, I don’t give a crap. You keep cheering for Zack Ryder when he does fist pumps, and I’ll keep caring about wrestlers who are good and actually matter.

Anyway, despite the fact that it was so short (it really was) it did set up another opportunity to pair up Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow (or as Brandon Stroud calls them “Rhodes Scholar”) two characters who have no business being anywhere near each other backstage, but probably would because they have no one else to hang out with. Cody’s smart and articulate enough to where he can kind of fake it while in discussion with Sandow, but also clever enough to realize as long as he just nods and says things like “that’s so true” and “I agree with your hypothesis” enough he’ll keep Sandow interested and can finally get someone to split the rental car fees with him. 

The J.O.B. Squad 2012

In what was hands down the best non-Daniel Bryan and Kane moment of the show, Heath Slater did what someone should have done 7 months ago and created a posse to finally put the Funkasaurus down. Heath Slater has been a guy that has slowly grown on me over the past year to the point that watching him do air guitar dances is one of the things I look forward to the most when I’m watching wrestling. A new stable is something WWE has needed for a while, and the fact that it’s being built with the victims of the Funkasaurus is wonderful. Drew McIntyre is one of those guys that’s really good at wrestling but hasn’t ever been given a fair shake, and Jindar Mahal is terrible, but not so terrible that he isn’t appropriate to be in a group that has dedicated their lives to bringing upon the extinction of a human-dinosaur hybrid that likes disco music. My hope is that their group (which at the moment I'm calling Three Man Band) continues to grow with Heath Slater at the head, and they take in everyone that has been fed to Brodus. Everyone that is except Alex Riley, who will come to their meeting at Baskin Robbins, be told the group is actually called “No Rileys Club”, and then shed a tear when he sees that slack-jawed yokel Riley Glumpet was let in.

The Big Red Machine and Goat Face Killa: Best Friends Forever

At the risk of sounding redundant, I have to point out that everything involving Kane and Bryan on this show worked so well that they took every segment they had and turned it from good to great by adding more screaming and more violence. The idea that these two can find a bond in the act of hitting as many people with chairs as they can is both hilarious and kind of sweet when you think about it. It didn’t even matter that they destroyed half of the tag team division as a form of therapy. Nobody really looks weak and bad when they get their asses handed to them by guys swinging metal. If anything it creates more interest in the division as a whole, and makes me think they aren’t going to simply feud with singles star A and singles star B but are actually going to make a go of being a tag team in an actual tag team division. So in a weird way, getting the f**k beat out of them with chairs was a good thing for the other tag teams, right?

Anyway, what did you think of Smackdown? What did you think of this review? Which “Adventure Time” princess is your favorite? Let us know in the comments below. If you made it this far, a winner is you. Thanks and I’ll see you cats next week.

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